Renewal
Renewal is the word that I use when I refer to the "recharging" of your mind, body and spirit. Often, people tell me that they view taking time for themselves as selfish and that others should always come first--children, parents, spouses, partners and friends. From a family systems perspective, there are a coupld of problems with that approach. When we continue to put others always ahead of ourselves, we run the risk of eventually having mothing more to give. And then people don't understand when we finally say, "no", or we become sick or angry, resentful and irritable. And those things do happen.
The other thing that sometimes happens is that we become boring and commonplace to others--particularly to our mates. When we spend some time engaging in activities that interest us we grow, become more animated and more interested to our partners, family and friends. There is little that is attractive about someone who is identical to us. After all it was another's uniqueness and separateness that first attracted us to that individual.
There is one more reason that I recommend self-renewal to people that I counsel. And that is that when we do too much for others, we sometimes deprive them of the opportunity to grow. How do children learn to stand up for themselves if we are always jumping in and "protecting" them? How do they learn to think for themselves if we do their thinking for them? Sometimes there is just too much of a good thing.
Sometimes we need to ask ourselves where this idea about selfishness comes from How did you first learn that it was "selfish" to take care of your own needs and interests? Was it from your mother who gave up her career to stay home and watch the kids when they were little? Was it from watching your parents engage in missionary work?
So take a few minutes for yourself to decide if you truly need to do as much as you do for others. Maybe they can get by with a little less. And maybe you deserve a little more.
Susan Gillespy, LMFT